Waves

Grief comes in waves.  Some days {or even moments} feel as though I'm wading in water, with small even ripples of water making their way towards and past me - silently though I'm constantly aware of their presence.  It's not painful.  I can make my way through these waters, even though I'd rather not be in them to begin with.  Suddenly, though, a larger wave will strike from out of the blue, nudging me not so gently off my somewhat solid footing.  I stumble and regain my composure and I continue on.  These waves strike fairly often, though I have no way of predicting how or when they will make their appearance.  They just come and I have to work a little harder to get through them.  Not quite so often, an even larger wave will crash into me, knocking me backwards - even off my feet.  If feels impossible to move past this wave.  It strikes unannounced and it stings.  It is sharp and painful and it brings with it a flood of memories and emotions.  I have no choice but to try to get back up and to try to carry on.

That is what life is like these days.  I don't know that I have huge swings in my emotions all the time.  Every now and then, though, one of those sharp waves will hit and it is just so hard to get past.  I would say that for the most part, however, it's more of a constant awareness of this great loss of ours that I am feeling.  I miss Peyton so much and it just hurts so much.  I'm getting by without too many huge breakdowns, which is good.  I never know what is going to trigger one of the bigger waves of emotion {even the medium waves}.  

It's odd.  I'm having a really difficult time with the thought of moving out of the month of May.  Peyton was still alive at the beginning of this month.  She only lived not even four full days this month, but she was alive as we started this month.  To move into a new month that she will never have experienced does something to me.  I'm not sure why.

I haven't been able to go through very much of Peyton's things.  Every now and then I'll look through a cupboard in the bathroom or in her closet.  But not much has been done.  A few little things, but not much overall.  It'll happen when the time is right.  And it's not right - not right now.

I can't believe that just a little over two months ago we had no idea we'd be where we are right now.  She was admitted to the hospital on March 26th.  Who knew then that she'd only have 40 more days left of her too-short life.  It's just so surreal that she is no longer here with us.  I don't know that I can ever get used to the four of us being only the three of us.

I'm sure many people wonder how I could have handled 40 days on one of those couches in Peyton's hospital room without winding up with a seriously messed up back or other issues.  Believe me when I say that I slept far better under those conditions for 40 days than I have been sleeping in the last 25 days since I've been home.  I am not sleeping well at all.  I've never really slept "well", but I'm really not sleeping well now.  Some days I'm tempted to turn on Peyton's oxygen concentrator just for the familiar sounds so "soothe" me to sleep.  It's too quiet now.  I did get a prescription for a low dose Ambien to help me sleep.  Yes, it helps me "relax" so I can get to sleep {sometimes}, but I don't stay asleep, and the quality and amount of sleep I get is not good.  Time to contact my doctor again.

Aside from the sleep issues, my body is revolting against me.  I've had back issues for years, but the stress of the past couple months - particularly the past few weeks - has earned me a few giant knots in my muscles.  My muscles feel like steel cables in some places.  No, I'm not that fit.  I'm just that stressed!  For some reason, though, in the past few days, all of that stress has come out through my neck, shoulder blades, shoulders, arms, hands, and fingers.  The burning pain through my arms has driven me to tears, it's so bad.  Simply lifting my arms can send me over the edge.  With some Tylenol, I can eventually get to a point where it's not as bad, but by evening, it's bad again.  I did have a long-overdue visit to my chiropractor this afternoon.  It helped a lot, but then everything was more sore from being worked on.  I'll go back again on Friday.  Hopefully I can get past this soon.  This is not fun.  Not fun at all.

This is life right now.  Yes there are some smiles and laughs here and there too.  It's not all tears and pain.  But it's a painful time right now.  I'm just so fortunate to have a loving and supportive husband and to be blessed with so many friends and family lifting us up, encouraging and supporting us during this time.  I am so grateful to have them in my life right now.

As always, I appreciate your continued prayers as we journey through this time of loss.