Four Months

How is it even possible that it's been four months since Peyton left this world?  It was just yesterday, wasn't it??  The memories of that day are still so fresh in my mind.

It is so strange to not have Peyton in this house with the rest of us.  So strange to see all the things in her room, still where they were when she was last here.  I have made some progress in putting some things away.  The things that aren't readily seen.  But, for the most part, her room is as it was.  I think I find that comforting.  I spend quite a lot of time in this room.  It is difficult to not be around the things that remind me of her.  It's sad at times, yes, but comforting at the same time.

Moira has been asking more questions.  Just a couple weeks ago she asked if she could visit Peyton's grave before school started.  There isn't one.  She was cremated and her urn sits in her crib in her room.  Perhaps that is why I spend so much time in her room.  I had the task of explaining cremation to my nine year old daughter.  If you don't ever have to go there....don't.  There is no way to explain what it means without it being horrifying to a child.

Just last night, Moira was very upset.  She is missing Peyton just as Ron and I are - she just doesn't vocalize it as much.  She didn't understand why it had to be her and not another child.  I told her that while I am very sad that it was Peyton, I would not want another family to have to go through what we went through.  I told her I don't understand "why" either, but we were blessed to have her for the time we did, even though it was short.  It's hard seeing families with multiple children.  No, not envious or angry.  Just sad that our family dynamic changed so much, and much too soon.

I am working on the whole "purpose" thing.  I've got some ideas in mind that I'm carefully considering pursuing.  I'm trying to weigh everything out.  Is it the right time?  Is this truly what I need and want?  How difficult will it be?  Yet there is a desire stirring in my heart that I need to be at least thinking of doing something.  I think Peyton had bigger plans for me.  There is a fear in stepping out, but I have the faith to know that there is more to my life {and hers} than sitting in this room.

Four months.  I just miss her so much.