Life at Six Weeks

Having passed the six week point on Saturday morning, I thought I'd share some new thoughts on this journey of grief and loss since it's been a couple weeks since I last wrote.

First, I have to say as the title suggests, my life right now seems to be marked my varying levels of stupidity.  I feel stupid.  All the time.

* I leave the room with a purpose.  I take a few steps and eventually give up and go back to what I was doing because I have no clue for what purpose I was leaving the room.

* I get to the room I was heading to and suddenly it doesn't make sense.  Why did I go in there at all?  I look around as if to gain some wisdom by the furniture and fixtures in the room.  Invariably, I will depart without a clue.  If I'm lucky, somewhere on the way back to where I came from, something will click.  Not necessarily the thing...but enough to get me to go back and ponder some more.  Whether I'm successful in my endeavor or not is anyone's guess.

* I have found that the best place for leftover hotdogs are actually in the refrigerator, and not the dishwasher where the almost went the other night.  Similarly, milk belongs in the bowl of cereal, not the bowl of sugar.  Another near miss there.

* My keys.  Seriously needing a homing device on these things!

* I often put something down with the intention of coming right back to it only to find out it's just gone.  Gone.  Not to be seen again for hours or even days.

* I have piles of emails, thank yous, and other various things to get to and my brain just feels fried.  When I do write, I'm frustrated by my super horrible scrawl that has developed over the years.

* I am still so tired.  I had started on a low dose Ambien which was then switched to a higher dose.  I immediately felt a difference.  Although I still wasn't making it all the way through the night.  Now, I can't get to sleep even with the higher dose Ambien, so here I sit writing a post at 1:48 am when I should have been asleep a few hours or so ago.  Also note, that while I am unable to sleep, my body has reacted to the medicine, so I'm a stumbling fool if I try to get up for any reason.  Bear that in mind as you read!

* Emotions still come in waves as I wrote once before.  I imagine it will be like that for some time.

* I am having a really hard time thinking of things "down the road".  I am living and beign and existing in today.  All I know about tomorrow, next week, next month, and so on will come, God willing - but I am incapable of formulating thoughts or plans about things that are too far out right now.  And by "too far out", I might even mean 6 hours from now on some days.

We began a new series at church this past weekend.  The same series was done last summer.  It's called "At The Movies".  Last year it was 4 movies.  This year it's 5 different movies.  5 weeks.  5 messages pulling biblical truths out of each movie.  This weekend it was week 1 - Here Comes The Boom staring Kevin James, Salma Hayek, and Henry Winkler among others.  Hilarious movie, by the way, if you haven't seen it. Watch it - there are so many things that could have been pulled from that movie to create a sermon.  {Note, we aren't watching the movie in church - just a few clips to accompany the sermon.}  However, the take the pastor took on the movie was something I hadn't thought of in that way.  Not exactly.  I didn't expect to cry during a sermon about that movie.

What was the truth pulled out?  Essentially it was that every man needs a cause bigger than himself to live for / fight for.  As the message went on, all I could think of was Peyton.  Peyton was my big cause.  While I had a husband and another daughter who we tried to maintain some semblance of "normal family life" with, I had a 24/7 cause in Peyton.  She was a "cause" from day one.  She was a "cause" that continued to become a bigger and bigger cause until 11 days before her 7th birthday when she passed away.

Unless you have been a caregiver to a medically fragile and special needs child or even to an aging parent or grandparent or other adult, I don't think there's any way to accurately describe the level of care given to this person.  You have to have lived it.  It was the life God entrusted us with.  It was not a burden in the sense that we felt like "why us" or "what did we ever to do deserve this".  Those statements couldn't be farther from how we felt.  You can, however, be charged with an assignment from God which is a difficult one.  It might even wind up being the most difficult and challenging part of your life.  It might be short-term.  It might go on for almost 7 years.  It might even go on for decades.  You accept it though - graciously - as your God-given assignment for your life.  For such a time as this was I placed on early - to be a part of the process of raising a little girl through her short life, which would include multiple health issues, 20+ surgeries, prescriptions beyond number, limitations I could never imagine, and needs which stretched me well out of my comfort zone, but which I tended to with as much grace as I could because I was her mother and she depended on me.

My cause.

My life.

The message went on about how some things are just worth fighting for - the cause that is bigger than yourself, the cause that shouldn't be shelved because you're uncomfortable with it, the cause that needs to be put out there to the world, and so on.  We know that our cause will meet resistance when we put it out there.  The idea of a band of brothers being so key was mentioned.  It is true.  Two are stronger than one.  Many more together are even stronger.  But I was feeling lost by this point.

I got teary eyed as soon as it was mentioned that every man needs a cause worth fighting for - a cause bigger than himself.  Yes I have Ron and Moira.  But my "cause" was the nearly 7 years of championing the cause of Peyton.  My cause is gone and the everyday stuff is over.  Our phone is deathly silent - to the point where I've thought it was broken.  It shows that all the calls we ever got, for the most part, were related to her.  Connections with people we once saw regularly are severed by the fact that she is no longer present.

I know that Peyton's legacy must go on.  I believe she is a very unique and special child by nature of who she was.  Limitations and illnesses and all she was challenged with throughout her life.  I believe she affected far more people than we could ever possibly know, and it makes me happy to think that someone's life may have been deeply altered for the better because of her.  I know mine was!

But I don't know what my cause is right now.  I'm lost.  I am lost with out that cause being so ever-present.  Yes, reconnecting with Ron and Moira is a part of what is happening now.  That is extremely important.  We will be fine.  This all will take time.  But I feel like I am supposed to have a personal "cause" bigger than myself and I don't know what that is now.

How do I find my cause?  When is too soon to start working on that cause?  I know I have to give myself some time and space now, but it would be nice to know what big thing is out there waiting.  What is it that's out there ahead in my life that's bigger than me that I can work for and even fight for if I have to to make a difference in this world?